dreams of Persian delicacies
and a roof where at sunrise
the light on Earth shines brightest

Hail storm during yoga class

Instructor: “Oh wow; it’s hailing!… Now, returning to the breath, not focusing on the hail…”

I focused on the hail.

Technology, the Mind

2004:

When we try to simplify the world [via technology], we complicate it on too many levels. The only complication of being human, that I sense, is the Mind. What to make of all the perceptions. One can’t always trust them. Extensions of our desires, often, bite back. It’s a simple existence, I want. A simple existence that involves only my one complexity.

We are, in the West, so in awe of our machines that we believe they alone are capable of discovering the truth. It does not seem to have occurred to many physicists that the reality unfolded in their research and theory might be experienced.

—Dr. Walt Anderson

A letter unsent

2 April 2004

(1) So it’s Friday, and who else should I think of?

I think I’ve told you before that my daydreams, my nap creations, provide far more provocative and disturbing images than any nightmare trip of mine. The visions are so very real, so raw, ungilded of armor and attitude. I am no Joan of Arc, I ride no stallion, I intimidate no men. Just honest attraction, seduction, my real bitch unearthed.

Yesterday, my catnap placed me on a staircase, mounting to the - guess! - Office, my co-editors behind me, my voice filling the blackness that comes from no lights on once the janitors have left. God, I was loud and ridiculous. My mind decided to satirize myself, the me on speed, the bubbly and efficient me. And once I opened the office door, I recognized the darkness. I’m… asleep… I thought. I was in the middle of the universe, or bounding towards a black hole, for all I knew. The fear. The thickness of the black, its weight against my invisible self. I flicked the light switch, (2) “reality” showed itself, slowly gaining brightness in my viewpath. As the comfort of the table, the window that overlooked a cityscape? came alive, my heart settled, my mind grew tired, numb, sad. There my future lay before me, the world illuminated by the limits of being human, of coming after a generation that has set boundaries that have tickled down the puffy cheek of this victim Earth Time.

That the colors, the laws remain constant leads me to (rather than accept) distrust. I guess I “expect the unexpected.” I look up when I drop something. Rather, I don’t look, or bend to pick it up. Just keep doing what I do. Hope someone shall wait on me, remove the burden of taking care of myself. I couldn’t sing because at the end of the day, I couldn’t live for my vocal chords. Being me is letting my physical health fall to shambles, whilst my mind plays. Constantly I can mistreat myself all I want because these words will probably only flow more.

I prefer the pain. The darkness. I’m not God, my illuminations cannot define existence. Life is something I haven’t the right to begin or end, (3) and I only take the liberty, the pleasure, of toying with it, with other lives. It’s all just a game? Isn’t everything a game, a contest, a fight to not just survive, but survive the best. Well, we mastered the art of survival, in the physical sense, long ago. But mentally - and our minds are what make us these confused, depressed, misled homo sapiens - we’re so lost. Not in space. Out of space.

Too many of us functioning in periods of time too small. Granted, to coexist, we need to simplify, but efficiency only makes this world more complicated. Our search for order has led to more chaos. All we really want is entropy. Least I do… and I am “crazy” for that. But what the hell is this world before me? When I close my eyes, everything makes sense. I escape into my true haven. Nothingness. Except - and this is my problem - during my moments of mania, I skip the sleep. We insomniacs are the most selfish, manipulative bastards of this Earth. We become so involved in ourselves and our world, we lose touch with the unreality, the other World, whereforth we sprung.

ALL I KNOW, I am light

I was born in the desert, so I shall lay down and die there as well. Grain for grain, I am the sand, the parts, the whole.

There is light in me, as there is light on the dunes by day and night, sun and moon, stars near and far.

The Moon

Some say it is controlled by others. I believe it is what it is and I do not know other than light.

One day I may. For now all I know is I am light like moon on the dunes.

Saint Valentine

Turmeric, mint, chili, garlic, oregano, parsley

Valentine’s Day,

and a funeral for a crow

Dark clouds threatened but turned peacefully
to leave a blanket of quiet snow